Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want