Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
You Might Also Like
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Thank heavens for community notes
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit