Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
You Might Also Like
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
(yawn)
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”