Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
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My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅Just ticking off my bucket list.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.