Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
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OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me