Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

Good day meowlady

* tips cat