finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
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“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
the composer
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Man these end times are taking forever
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away