Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*

me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet