Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.

Me: What. Like a cat?

My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

me: my boss is working me to the bone

my dog: hell yeah

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people

me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*

HR: We need to talk about your attire.

Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.

Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?

Her:

Me:

Her: Can I have my money back please?!

Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating