Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
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Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Emma is smarter than all of us.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*