[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
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Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.