[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
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*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
best review i’ve ever seen
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.