[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
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5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap