[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
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#NeverForget
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
So true for me
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.