Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
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A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing