Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
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My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
my sentiments exactly
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
What
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.