Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

date: what are you thinking about

me: fall should be spelled fa//

date:

me:

date: fell should be spelled fe_ _

*we kiss*

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

your daddy is a what now?

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”