Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Struggle

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute