finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
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On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Camping tip: No.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”