Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

yikes

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me

ATMs should have breathalyzers

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass