Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
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[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
This joke is 7 years old
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
Just how popey was the pope today?
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
The best plant holders?
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed