Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
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I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.