Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
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Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Salad is the decaf of food.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
We all have our pet causes.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Everyone’s family
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*