“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
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I saw nothing
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell