“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
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I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…