“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
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ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
April 1st is the class clown of days.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
shut up and take my money
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.