People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
You Might Also Like
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
My kitchen overserved me.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
sry
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face