Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
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Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you