Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
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Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Bringing home a sharpie
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..