Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.

“Your parcel is out for delivery.”

I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

I self medicate, therefore you live.

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names

My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

me when the borders lift