Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
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the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I asked my coworker what he got his wife for Christmas and he said “a vacuum” and I was like damn did u get her an exercise bike too and he had no idea what I was talking about
i could never be president. im overqualified.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
😭😭😭
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200