Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
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Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
lol
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.