FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
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getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
“We will wed,” I threatened
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.