Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.