Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down