financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
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The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
