financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
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Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
*sewing*
A thread
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory