financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
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me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.