Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?