Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”

Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail