Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you

Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.