Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working