Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
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Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?