Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
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I self medicate, therefore you live.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.