Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
You Might Also Like
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
That’s it.I’m out.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
This January has 47 Mondays
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
What about a To-Don’t List?
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.