Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

Where’s my employee discount too?

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that