Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
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Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
When I snag the last meatball.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*