Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.

Safest bet I ever made.

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’