financial planner: ok, and if you DON’T discover a lost van gogh at a garage sale?
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Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
You know, being on a diet isn’t so bad if you don’t follow it.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.