FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
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When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
getting seasonal up in here
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
dark side of the loom
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
