FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
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I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Did I do this right
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.