Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

This is a sub tweet

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.

3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?