Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
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Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom