@RealPrincessKim

Find a group doing river baptisms. Release LSD into the water upstream. Bring friends in devil costumes. Cavort and frolic on the riverbank.

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@TheRolo

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

@djdarrellripley

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

@HomeProbably

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

@RexHuppke

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

@novicefather

You’ll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar.

Also a rotting corpse will work. Or poop. Lots of ways to attract flies.

@Flykins

regardless means without regard

irregardless means the same as regardless except you never had any English classes

@tsm560

No thanks, I only date women who aren’t into me.

@momtransparent1

When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.

On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”

Kids.

@Reverend_Scott

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.