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[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes