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I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
This January has 47 Mondays
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted