Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
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Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Customize Your Wedding.
just gave your address to some spiders
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.