Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
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[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!