Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
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I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english