Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
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Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.