@mellimelle

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

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@UrbanDouchebag

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.

@Skoog

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

@DeathStarPR

Stormtroopers never miss. They’re just trained to fire a 21 shot salute to celebrate the commencement of every firefight.

@dubstep4dads

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

@awescar

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

@josh___grant

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

@WheelTod

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

@Canadian_Cutie_

My voicemail greeting:

Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don’t get a notification.

@thingsbydan

There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about this caption.

@crazylikeanox

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator