Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
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Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.