Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
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[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Stormtroopers never miss. They’re just trained to fire a 21 shot salute to celebrate the commencement of every firefight.
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Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
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Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My voicemail greeting:
Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don’t get a notification.
There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about this caption.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator