Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
You Might Also Like
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Once again not all heroes wear capes
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case