Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

Broom by every window for quick escape.

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together