Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?

AI: 17.

Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000

Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.

Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.