Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
You Might Also Like
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.