Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
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What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
(more comics:
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.