That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
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Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….