Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
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I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie