Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
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In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting